Rick,
Here we are in month 64 since we met. When I now think back to those early days I remember a sense of wonderment, an emotional place and time where life almost stood still and allowed us to play and run through the rain. I know we’ve never actually run through the rain for fun, but those early days remind me of that joy. I recall so many things but mostly I recall a sense of amazement at how happy I could feel in the midst of life falling apart as I knew it. My whole world crushed in a matter of weeks and during that caving in, there you were on the ledge to retrieve me, hold me and help me through. Most people would call that a rebound. I call it a soft place to land.
We’ve not always had easy times and we’ve had our relationship tested a few times, the thing I remember about the darkest time in our relationship, the time that we rarely speak about now, is that even during that time you could never turn your back on me, even when I deserved it. I have images in my mind that will be there for all time. I recall you, me, one morning before a court date, worried, wondering, what would happen. I recall me spending lazy Sunday afternoons in our bed, waiting always waiting to come retrieve you during those long 6 weeks. I remember just how much I miss you when you go away, or when I stupidly send you away. I know it seems like I’m recalling only the bad things, but you see life’s trials and tribulations often destroy relationships. In our case, they have strengthened me, us. And for that I am always grateful.
I could write a long paragraph about the things that drive me crazy but I’m sure your paragraph about my faults would be longer. However, I want to tell you about all the things I don’t ever say, the things that make me smile deep inside even as I stubbornly claim otherwise. I love the way you hug me, with your entire body. I love the way you aren’t a pushover and I love that you fight back when I’m acting irrational. I love the way you smell, I love the way your hair feels under my fingertips. I love the way you never turn away from me at night when my limbs reach for you like the stems of flowers reaching towards the sun. I love the way I trust you, the way I know that I will never hear about what you are really doing from anyone else. I love that you work so hard every day. And yes I love that you sweat and get dirty and are manly and covered in muscles. There I admitted it. I know I roll my eyes when you make a muscle, but that’s because I’m stubborn.
I need you. I need you more than I ever say; I want you more than I can often stand it. I just have such a damn hard time not being scared to show it. Stupid, I know. The more I care, the harder it is. I suppose I also really like how you tolerate my emotional baggage. Sure we lose patience with each other but mostly I just love how we never lose each other.
Sometimes at night when I wake up and I can hear you snoring I want to kick you until you stop. But more than that I just have a swell of gratitude inside my chest that aches so much for how lucky I am to have you there beside me. I know what it is to lay against the wall at night hoping for life to just stop because it’s so damn hard and so vacant to lay beside someone you hate. I have lived through those things and while I often wish I had met you first, I didn’t. I am just glad that I met you at all. Life is a funny thing; it doesn’t always just gift you with amazing things. You are amazing to me. It’s always amazing that I got a second chance to do love right. I know I’m probably messing up left and right but please know that I am trying so hard not to.
I used to spend a lot of time wishing for something else. In fact I spent over 30 years wishing for something else, anything but what was. I haven’t wished for a long time because I have more than I could wish for because I have you. Here we are in month 30 of marriage and I’m glad we did it. I’m glad you said yes. I’m glad I shoved down all my fear of rejection and loss long enough to ask because my one act of bravery has yielded a thousand moments of bliss.
The single biggest thought I always have when I see you mowing the grass, getting dressed in the morning, spraying yourself with cologne, putting your shoes on, wiping the truck windshield off this morning…I’m so lucky. Is luck something that just lands on you one day? Is it an amazing windfall, unexpectedly? That’s my definition of luck when I see you doing the mundane everyday things. My heart still lurches to my throat in anticipation when I see you walk in the front door. Thanks for always coming back to me, it is the best thing in the world, us…you…me…our life. There are still all those reasons I pick you, they are just multiplied by time. I love that I can look back and recall the good ole days with you now. I love that we have built that together.
You are the boy that saved me, taught me a new way. You are the boy that moves all of my books without complaint. The boy that goes to work even when your back hurts. You are the boy that can make the worlds best breakfast. You are the boy that never rolls your eyes when I say I have to write another paper. You are the boy that smokes outside at my request. You are the boy that gave me Chloe for my birthday. You are the boy that hangs up on me when I need to be hung up. You are the boy that doesn’t complain about my books piled up all over the house. You are the boy that made me whole, the boy that can’t stand to see me cry. You are the boy that lets me spend hours at the bookstore just because I love to.
I love you more than you can imagine. I love you more than I show. If you ever wonder how much I love you, count the waves at the ocean, I love you endlessly…
Your wife,
Kristy
p.s. pick up your socks! Please.
