shishnit.org

Yesterday I read a tweet that talked about how women believe the only reason to marry is to have children/family.  I scoffed at that notion.  Yet…if I were to be honest with myself both times I got married the thought of having children was very much a part of the thought process and decision process. I wanted more children with Rick and felt that if I wanted children with this man (this man being Rick) then I obviously loved him and we should make a commitment to each other.

Regarding  my first marriage, we talked about marriage the very week we met.  We also talked about babies and raising a family.  I wanted to have a lot of kids.  (ie a lot that equals 3).  He obviously didn’t want more children after our son because he went and got a vasectomy.  I was a bit heartbroken but realized that if he didn’t want more, who was I to force fatherhood on someone? I was never a “poke a hole in the condom on the sly” type of gal.

Having said this, today I read something that made me question or wonder why so many people think they need to be “IN” love to be married or to remain happy.  I suppose this may sound crazy to some but I have been married for 17 combined marital years and I can honestly say that during all of those marital years (and for the other record Rick would likely be mad to hear me lump all marital years together like this….but p’shaw…I have been a married woman for 17 of my adult years!!) I haven’t always been “IN” love or felt love for my partner for that matter.  There have been many days (in both marriages) when I have wondered if I even liked my husband(s).  There have been other days when I was madly “in” nothing but frustration, anger and pissedoffedness.  That word should exist.

Ok let me clarify something here…I thought for years I loved my first husband, and I believe now that I did. I loved him…but he’s a sociopath and if you know anything about sociopath’s they do not feel real emotion so I gave him love…but he did not and does not really even know what love is and he faked loving me back but he does not know how to show or feel emotion so it was hollow.  So that marriage was a sham clearly.  I loved him and tried to love him but loving a sociopath…it’s really like trying to catch water in a sieve. 

Now…in the past close to 5 years of my marriage with Rick I have found that some days I don’t feel “in love” with him.  Most days I do.  But occasionally he pisses me off and I’d rather be in Idaho digging up potatoes from damp earth than be next to him.  Doesn’t everyone occasionally feel this way about someone they love?  And sometimes he falls asleep on the couch watching TV and I happily leave him there and go stretch out on our bed and feel so liberated to have the bed all to myself.  Of course there are nights when he’s mad and sleeps on the couch and I pour out my frustrations at feeling rejected by crying into my pillow and drowning in the massive size of that big lonely bed.

Love.  It’s the stuff that dreams are made of and also sometimes the stuff that nightmares are fueled by.  It’s maddening in good and bad ways.  But I do know this much.  I have often loved my husband but not been in love.  I have often been in love and only felt anger.  But I am always “in” marriage and willing to work at it to stay “in” it.

I don’t claim to be an expert on marriage, heck I’ve only got 17 years and 2 husbands to show for all my hard work.  (its ok if you laughed there) But…I do know this much.  Marriage is not going to be all good all the time 24/7.  It’s the rough nights that you endure and survive that make the good times so much to be thankful for.  It’s the moments when you want to strangle someone but feel so glad they are there to strangle.

My marriage to Rick has had it’s ups and downs. More up’s than downs and quite often when I want to strangle him I can quickly go through the laundry list in my head of all those reasons why “I pick Rick”. I remind myself of those things and the reasons why I fell in love with him, when I am at my madest.

But marriage. It’s hard work if and when it matters.  And the minute you stop working at it, you’ll likely think you fell out of love.  But really you stopped working at it and your marriage is now a shambles.  That’s what happens when a house falls into disrepair. It didn’t happen overnight.  It happened by slowly and systematically not fixing the leaky window, or spraying WD40 on the sticky attic door.  Slowly over time those small things add up to big things and pretty soon your house is falling apart and you think “gosh let me abandon this hell hole and get a niceer house…look at that one across the street”.  Oh god help you if the neighbors put a for sale sign on their newly remodeled house.  You’re over there in a flash admiring their carerra marble countertops.

Marriage is the same way.  If you allow it to fall into disrepair…it doesn’t take long before some other human being goes up for sale and it looks like a better deal.  Or…you just want out from under the mess you’ve allowed to build up.

I can guarantee you that if people are honest, they do not feel “in” love every single moment.  There are struggles.  In my head marriage only lasts for those that know how to forgive endlessly and repair and work on upkeep tirelessly.  Kindness, romance, time…those things cannot be overlooked.

For the record, today I am in love with my husband.  Because he took the time to send me a photo text message that filled my heart up with remembering why I pick Rick.  Sometimes a jean clad crotch shot and a “hi honey” repairs the leaky faucet and keeps things moving forward.

Some may say they’re always “in” love with their spouse. I cry bullshit.  The reality is that relationships are hard work.  Sometimes it feels too hard. Hopefully that feeling is temporary until you call a plumber. Some may say I’m a failure at marriage, but the way I figure I’ve learned a lot along the way.  I’m not always “in” love with my husband but I am always 100% “in” marriage and willing to fix things to get back “in” with him.  I accept that there will be “in” days and “out” days.  Today’s in…tomorrow may be out..but I know “in” is always there once we make repairs.

I do madly love my husband every single day, even on the “out” days.  I’m just not always “in” love when I’m mad at him or frustrated by how hard it can feel sometimes to keep it all together.  No one said marriage was easy.

posting here because I don’t want to lose this…these few paragraphs sometimes keep me sane.  Rick and I are still together….I still remember you Joe. 

Maximum Capacity

If this love isn’t going to work out, then it’s good that things are ending. If he is not the one, then they deserve no space in your heart or mind. Clearing it away makes space for someone who does deserve it.

I’m a big believer in forgiveness.  I am trying to remind myself of that now.  I was once forgiven when quite honestly I don’t think I deserved the forgiveness.  I think in a marriage, sometimes your success is only as good as your willingness to forgive.

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. — Robert Quillen

I am sometimes angry, sometimes hurt, mostly vacillating between ok and forgetting and remembering and being in fear.

I believe, however that we will be just fine.  A bit more rugged for the wear, a bit stronger, a bit better, a bit more aware.  I am madly in love with him…and I know he loves me.  

I haven’t been an honest open blogger like I was in the past.  With everything that’s been going on with my relationships with everyone in my life right now,  I just haven’t had the heart to jump back on the crazy train that my life seems to have turned into over the last few months.  I’ve been spending a lot of time just staring off into space, swimming in the river denial and wondering how things have gotten to this place.

Rick and I are falling apart, have fallen apart…might fall apart…are experiencing major trauma…are a mess….are apart…?  I don’t even know. I can’t even pinpoint where things took a big left turn. I only know that I’m not the one that grabbed that stearing wheel and headed off in the direction of the cliff side.  I know he did.  I just don’t know why or what happened.

I have cried, been in shock…fought for my own sanity and just sat bawling and praying to some entity that has no name but that of “hope” for quite a few weeks now. I’ve felt like his mother, his confidant, sometimes his partner in crime…a crime I never wanted to comit.  Its so raw right now, I can’t put it into words.  I have cheered other’s on as they rejoice for their new spring day…their rebirth and I am standing in a room full of shards of glass and it vaguely reminds me of some other chapter of my life…only worse because this time it matters on such a different level.

Maybe someday I’ll talk about it, blog about it.  Maybe not.  Hopefully I won’t have to.  I don’t want to.  Right now I somehow had to because it all just hurts and hurts and when I think I can be hurt no more, I am hurt tenfold again.

Do you think Thelma and Louise somehow landed on a safety net after their car went over?
 

In early 2008 we began to seriously think about buying a house. The home we were living in was extremely overpriced and over-valued. I imagine a lot of people felt that same way about a lot of houses at the time. I wrote about our experiences with our previous landlord here who wanted to sell us the house but we could not afford the $315,000 that he was wanting at the time and tried to purchase his son’s home…which was also extremely overpriced (and is also still not sold today).

I blogged again about my viewpoint on our home purchase a few months later and my viewpoitns 9 months after purchasing it here. I was still feeling relatively good about our choices.

Then one day I googled my old leased house (the one that I really really loved and wanted to buy for the entire year I lived in it) here. The picture dissapeared from that blog post so here it is again.

That house really urked me because I loved it. It was perfect in a lot of ways. Today out of curiosity I looked up that house again…just to see what time has done since last September. I know everytime we’ve driven by it (and we have to make an effort to do so) it has had a for sale sign out front. Today I found out that the house was foreclosed on. I felt like Karma had finally had her say. That’s what you get landlord guy….that’s what you get for raising our rent on us when we were attempting to purchase your son’s house. (a house still not sold either!)

And then I found it….the for sale ad. 116,900!!

It’s now selling for less than we paid for our house. L They wanted 315k when we lived in it two years ago. Oh if only I had waited 2 entire fucking years…..lol as if. Someone got fucked on that house and it wasn’t us. Thank you Jesus. But I still wanted to barf right in that open toilet right there…the same one I peed in for an entire year of my life right before going to bed at night.

But then oddly….I started to think about our house. The one we did buy. The one that we’ve had to fix several things in. The one that needs new air conditioning duct work as I type. The one that has had termites!! The one that needs a trench dug out around the addition. The one that’s driving me nuts right now. And I’m still happy because I’ve had some fantastic moments in that house with the big huge library. The one that isn’t a real estate transaction or a memory captured by google maps but the one that is our  HOME sweet HOME.