wings
Not surprisingly my sister has not responded to my last email. I really don’t expect her to. This is the pattern in my life. I open up and tell someone how I really feel and I tell them I disagree with their take. And they largely reject me, or at the very least, they don’t respond. And I suppose it is possible that for her, her little emotional crisis has ended as Leah is recovering well, and now she will close herself back off. I’m ok.
Really and truly I am ok. I’m finally ok with it. I am not the one missing out on a sister, she is. I am not the one closed off to life, she is. I also said what I wanted to say, I spoke MY truth and that’s what really matters. It matters to me that I did not just “let it go” or ignore something that truly bothered me. My sister and I are not close because of my mother, not because of “actual” distance. And I had to say it finally. I’ve for too long, let this go and did the proverbial nod of the head when it’s untruthful.
To answer a question…my niece had steel rods inserted into her back to keep her spine straight. They will remain a part of her for life. I am positive her experience will make her stronger, better, etc. I almost wish everyone adversity, it is the stuff of building guts, inner strength and gratitude about life. I have learned that life does that to you. It knocks you down, but when you get back up you are steadfast in your stance thereafter.
Family….it’s the ever illusive thing for me. I’m finally ok with that not being my lot in life. My life is blessed in so many other various ways. I have finally learned to see the wealth in my life and it is massive in its own ways. Had my mother loved me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Sometimes I think I gathered my pain early and I’m now dropping it later in life as I am blessed blessed beyond measure now. I spent last weekend in Daytona Beach and I was happy. I stood on the beach and felt overwhelmed by just how happy I was on the inside and outside. I felt bathed in it, and it was bliss. I have rarely had that experience. Daytona Beach in August is now my happy place. I lay on a bed in a room full of arches, and I was cozy. I was blissful standing at an outside bar, the wind dancing in my tangled hair.
All throughout last weekend, my heart was soaring like a bird in and out of the open doors at the street bar, across the boardwalk, inside the Harley shops, always dreaming of new experiences, new memories. I stood in a bathroom reading the text scribbled across the walls, knowing that I was a mere speck, a moment in time. And it was ok. It was an emotional waterfall of joy. I stopped and took memory pictures to review later on a rainy day in my heart. They come, but oh when the day is bright blue and cloudless…it’s a keeper in the soul. I have learned to feed my soul, I have learned how to sustain all that is good and keep it tight. I have learned to weather the storms and shield myself with all the love I am blessed with.
I read something today “An employee without a goal is just a worker.” This is a statement that a fellow student in my current Project Management course stated. It has stayed with me. I have long been a human without a dream, a human without happiness, a human without wings.
I have so much now and my flight, it is glorious. I encourage you to dream. It changes everything.
