shishnit.org

I used to spend hours online late at night talking to strangers or writing blathering’s into my blog for attention from strangers, or simply just falling apart in the context of text, which was the only thing I had for an extremely long time.  Text, words to strangle or tangle myself up in.

Tonight it’s after midnight and I just spent a few hours online working on my film class.  I also scrolled around looking for a reading light for my bedroom so I can ditch can the clip on version because I bought a new bed for the new house.

I just had a moment of clarity.  Some would say I haven’t gotten over the past…they would be almost all wrong.  Yes, there are prickly things in my past that I struggle with, the former marriage is not one of them.

I am happy.  I am content.  I am overwhelmed at times with how marriage can be.  How good it is meant to be and is for me now.  There are small moments like now when I am munching on a late night bowl of cereal when I think, “Damn this is all so good, thank you!” 

I don’t know who I’m thanking since I struggle with my spiritual beliefs…but if it’s merely the universe or luck…I am full of gratitude.

I used to stay up staring at this blaring bright screen late at night to avoid…tonight for the past few hours I have lulled my aggravation with school and spending time at it…with thoughts of “when I get done, I can go curl up next to my man”.  The fact that I find reward in that is something I don’t take for granted.  Rick is not perfect, heck I’m not perfect….

But when I go lay next to him and listen to him breath in the middle of the night and feel my Chloe’ness curl herself up against my leg…..that is bliss.  That is home.  That is….

Rick,

Here we are in month 64 since we met.  When I now think back to those early days I remember a sense of wonderment, an emotional place and time where life almost stood still and allowed us to play and run through the rain. I know we’ve never actually run through the rain for fun, but those early days remind me of that joy.  I recall so many things but mostly I recall a sense of amazement at how happy I could feel in the midst of life falling apart as I knew it.  My whole world crushed in a matter of weeks and during that caving in, there you were on the ledge to retrieve me, hold me and help me through.  Most people would call that a rebound. I call it a soft place to land.

We’ve not always had easy times and we’ve had our relationship tested a few times, the thing I remember about the darkest time in our relationship, the time that we rarely speak about now, is that even during that time you could never turn your back on me, even when I deserved it. I have images in my mind that will be there for all time.  I recall you, me, one morning before a court date, worried, wondering, what would happen.  I recall me spending lazy Sunday afternoons in our bed, waiting always waiting to come retrieve you during those long 6 weeks.  I remember just how much I miss you when you go away, or when I stupidly send you away.  I know it seems like I’m recalling only the bad things, but you see life’s trials and tribulations often destroy relationships.  In our case, they have strengthened me, us.  And for that I am always grateful.

 I could write a long paragraph about the things that drive me crazy but I’m sure your paragraph about my faults would be longer.  However, I want to tell you about all the things I don’t ever say, the things that make me smile deep inside even as I stubbornly claim otherwise.  I love the way you hug me, with your entire body.  I love the way you aren’t a pushover and I love that you fight back when I’m acting irrational.  I love the way you smell, I love the way your hair feels under my fingertips. I love the way you never turn away from me at night when my limbs reach for you like the stems of flowers reaching towards the sun. I love the way I trust you, the way I know that I will never hear about what you are really doing from anyone else.  I love that you work so hard every day.  And yes I love that you sweat and get dirty and are manly and covered in muscles.  There I admitted it.  I know I roll my eyes when you make a muscle, but that’s because I’m stubborn.

I need you. I need you more than I ever say; I want you more than I can often stand it.  I just have such a damn hard time not being scared to show it.  Stupid, I know.  The more I care, the harder it is.  I suppose I also really like how you tolerate my emotional baggage. Sure we lose patience with each other but mostly I just love how we never lose each other.

Sometimes at night when I wake up and I can hear you snoring I want to kick you until you stop.  But more than that I just have a swell of gratitude inside my chest that aches so much for how lucky I am to have you there beside me.  I know what it is to lay against the wall at night hoping for life to just stop because it’s so damn hard and so vacant to lay beside someone you hate.  I have lived through those things and while I often wish I had met you first, I didn’t.  I am just glad that I met you at all.  Life is a funny thing; it doesn’t always just gift you with amazing things.  You are amazing to me.  It’s always amazing that I got a second chance to do love right.  I know I’m probably messing up left and right but please know that I am trying so hard not to.

I used to spend a lot of time wishing for something else.  In fact I spent over 30 years wishing for something else, anything but what was.  I haven’t wished for a long time because I have more than I could wish for because I have you.   Here we are in month 30 of marriage and I’m glad we did it.  I’m glad you said yes.  I’m glad I shoved down all my fear of rejection and loss long enough to ask because my one act of bravery has yielded a thousand moments of bliss.

The single biggest thought I always have when I see you mowing the grass, getting dressed in the morning, spraying yourself with cologne, putting your shoes on, wiping the truck windshield off this morning…I’m so lucky.  Is luck something that just lands on you one day? Is it an amazing windfall, unexpectedly?  That’s my definition of luck when I see you doing the mundane everyday things.  My heart still lurches to my throat in anticipation when I see you walk in the front door.  Thanks for always coming back to me, it is the best thing in the world, us…you…me…our life.  There are still all those reasons I pick you, they are just multiplied by time.  I love that I can look back and recall the good ole days with you now.  I love that we have built that together. 

You are the boy that saved me, taught me a new way.  You are the boy that moves all of my books without complaint.  The boy that goes to work even when your back hurts.  You are the boy that can make the worlds best breakfast.  You are the boy that never rolls your eyes when I say I have to write another paper.  You are the boy that smokes outside at my request.  You are the boy that gave me Chloe for my birthday.  You are the boy that hangs up on me when I need to be hung up. You are the boy that doesn’t complain about my books piled up all over the house.  You are the boy that made me whole, the boy that can’t stand to see me cry. You are the boy that lets me spend hours at the bookstore just because I love to.

I love you more than you can imagine. I love you more than I show. If you ever wonder how much I love you, count the waves at the ocean, I love you endlessly…

Your wife,

Kristy

p.s. pick up your socks!  Please.

I hate mommy blogs whereby the mother complains about being a stay at home mom, complains about her whiney bratty children and utterly has no gratitude for anything in her life.  Hate them. I could provide a list, but I’m sure everyone’s read one or two or three thousand of these ranting bitches blog’s. Yes, attack me, I don’t care.  I’m sick of them.

My mother used to listen to “My Sharona” by the Knack full blast on the radio when it came on.  Meaning this was before cassette tapes and CD’s even.  She had an 8-track player in her car when I was a young child.  This is the only song that reminds me of my mother and wouldn’t you know it, I hear the damn thing all the time.  I never speak about how much the chosen absence of my mother (her choice) affects me.  Mostly because I have learned to move through the world without a mother, but it doesn’t mean it is easy.  It can be lonely and heart wrenching.  She turned 60 this year.  It’s been 17 years.  In two more years I will have lived as much of my life without a mother as I did with one.

Rick’s brother Randy wants to quit his job. Ok I don’t think he wants to but his gf wants him too so he can stay home and watch Matthew all day.  She has to do some sort of nursing training and they have never put Matthew with a daycare or a babysitter and low and behold that would cost money so Randy is considering quitting his job. I have one thing to say….MISTAKE.  His gf is STILL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD married to someone else.  Therefore she can’t put Randy on her health insurance, etc.  And if she ever decides to up and leave him like she left the last one, he’s f’d.

My son came to me about 9 months ago and told me he thinks he is bisexual.  I think its highly possible that he’s simply just gay. I also could care less what he decides his sexual preference is.  My ex-husband is a Jesus Convenient and refuses to believe this is possible, because his lame ass considers homosexuality a sin.  Fool.  Have I mentioned lately how much I hate him?

I snore.  At night if it wakes Rick up, he will often wake up and act like a fool about how I am somehow doing this on purpose and that I can control my nasal passages and their behavior while I’m sleeping. This pisses me off because Rick also snores, but when his snoring bothers me, I remove myself from the bedroom and let him sleep.  I resent that I quietly do this but he doesn’t.  

I got asked out today by a cute guy.  A guy that I see often but don’t pay any mind to because I’m happily married, a guy that I only know in passing because he’s the delivery boy that brings my lunch occasionally when I order out from his place of business. I would venture to guess that he’s about 26 years old.  Considering my age, this is a nice compliment.  He had no clue, thought I was his age.  

In the last few months my ex-husband has a. had his house in foreclosure (it appears he may have restructured his loan for the time being), b. pled guilty to writing a rubber check for over 4k. (has to pay it back with fines and costs) and c. lost his drivers license (public records doesn’t say why but I think it might be because he hasn’t paid on the aforementioned restitution on time, etc.  I haven’t talked about any of it because while it concerns me, I’ve tried to move away from it as much as possible.  

A few days ago I drove down the street that I used to own a house on, the house that was foreclosed on due to the ex-husband’s lying and cheating ways.  I noticed that the next door neighbor’s house looked entirely different.  The previous next whore neighbors house that is.  And it had a for sale sign in front.  The next day I hunted down the house on realtor.com to learn that her ex-husband remodeled the entire house and now lives in a much nicer house with his new woman.  I hope he makes a killing on that remodel job because he deserves it.  And yes, maybe I’m crazy because I still always wish the best for that man. We were both equally wronged by our spouses, and the best revenge is to live a better life than theirs.

After being in college since Jan of 2005 I find it nearly impossible to write without fixing sentences etc.  It’s taken some of the blog writing and poetry writing thunder out of my storm.

I bought a house, we bought a house. (Technically I did it…but technically it’s our house) and we both still have savings.  And that my friend’s is sweet.

List of things I want to do to the house.

1. put a door in to access the outside patio without walking around the entire left side of the house
2. Paint all the rooms
3. Have a party
4. Organize
5. Hang up art, candles, pictures, etc.
6. Buy patio furniture
7. Organize 2^nd bedroom
8. find professional kitchen type shelves for kitchen (help!)

I am taking a film class after I finish Astronomy and Mythology.  Nice.  I can’t wait.  Something creative. I also got a flat screen TV for my birthday from Rick, it’s going in the bedroom.  

Well there you have it, if I have talked about any of these things before I don’t recall. 

March 19th, 2008 @ 6:20 pm (inspired by www.kristyk.org)

Dear Rick,Today right before I left work I wrote down what my expectations were for arriving home after you had the day off all day.

Today is March 7^th and it’s the first time I’ve thought to write anything in my blog.  Things have been crazy lately and my stress levels are through the roof.  I used to rely on writing about all of it to get through it.  I’ve now found some sort of coping mechanism that allows me to skip the writing it out part.  I don’t know if that allows me to work through the issues I’m currently coping with the same way, but I think this has come about because I am in school and am not afforded the same abundance of time that I used to once have.  I hang onto my blog because I have some innate fear that as soon as I let go, I will desperately be seeking writing solace. 

I’m at work and some of my software systems have tanked and/or are running slow so I’m not the normal Marketing Analyst that I would be because I can’t compare digits if I can’t get the numbers to start with.  It blows.  I’m used to being so organized about how I run my day and now here I am aggravated because I can’t move forward with my day as per normal.Things at home are trying, stressful and trying.  I have always avoided trashing my marriage in times of grief and marital strife.  I used to do it all the time without a thought with my ex-husband but I just can’t bring myself to do it now, even though it would temporarily feel good sometimes.  Rick barely glances at my blog, but for some unexplainable reason I feel protective of this marriage.  I honor it when I didn’t the last.  Go figure.

The other night I went to the bookstore and was reading through a fiction novel and came across this… “It’s the only explanation.  She played you like a fish.  I’m sorry, honey, but the fact is we sometimes fall in love with unsuitable people. Which is why Cupid carries a bow and arrows and not a clipboard with a stack of personality tests.”  “The Book of Air and Shadows (page 155) – Michael Gruber.I read that passage while flipping through the book and was so taken with it that I bought the book based on those few lines.  It is when a book touches you and makes you realize something without trying, that reading is truly a wonderful thing.  I am reading the rest of it right now.  Quite good so far.  Along the lines of Divinci Code minus religion and instead with a large dose of booklover types of details.