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‘shit happens!’ Category

  1. got assertiveness?

    July 23, 2009 by shishnit

    I never blog about work because that’s an area of my life that’s largely off blog limits to me. It gets too cloudy and just makes me jittery.  However, today I had a rather disturbing day personally and it caused me to realize something.

    I often allow other’s to treat me poorly, I tell myself I am overlooking their treatment or issues because I’m being the bigger person but I realize that it’s really because I’m trying to be a peacekeeper and this is because of my big fear of chaos.  This fear of chaos seems, to me and my unclearness on the issue still, that it is largely due to the chaos in my childhood due to dysfunction.  I avoid chaos like the plague.  I am largely the peacekeeper in my marriage and will often apologize even when I feel I’ve done nothing wrong because apologies diffuse chaos and murky air between two people.  I prefer to clear the air and not feel uncomfortable over the “issues” just hanging in the air unresolved.  So much so that often things are not at all resolved for me and yet I tell myself they are just to move past that bad feeling.

    In all of this chaos avoiding I am really harming myself because I allow all of these things that I bypass and ignore and try to disregard to build up until they are rather huge problems that I’ve allowed to fester not only within me but outside of me because I never STAND UP FOR MYSELF.  I never say “That is not ok with me; I have a problem with that!”  When you don’t voice your issues you are allowing them often times to overcome you in a more lethal way.   I do tend to “try harder” to voice myself with Rick, but I’m not nearly as fearful of him.  I do play peacekeeper too quickly for sure because I love that boy and I can’t stand to be on the outs with him at all.  There surely is a good balance in there that I could feel better about.

    Now, I am just getting a handle on this in terms of understanding that I’ve been doing this and just how harmful it has gotten to my overall happiness and self peace.  I am not assertive at work because I see this as “rocking the boat”.  Now this all seems rather silly to me on another level because I almost always speak my mind, or so I thought.  However, I am coming to the realization that I am not assertive and if I even attempt assertiveness I abandon ship quickly if the matter becomes ugly just in order to maintain peace.  I’m seeing through this haze and fog that still exists that I need to face the ugly and overcome it and assert myself in order to truly be healthy mentally. Fearing honest and open communication due to the negative aspects of conflict is just wrong.

    I think that 12 years of a bad marriage with virtually little to no communication didn’t help matters.  I often just took the emotional abuse and tried to “fix it” to keep any semblance of peace and quiet in my life.  I’ve often read that people that are a product of dysfunctional families seek chaos.  I often wondered if I was doing that. 

    I now realize that I’m pretending it (the chaos) doesn’t exist when it does creep into my life.  I really need to work on my assertiveness and not be in constant fear of negative retaliation because of it.  I also need to stand up for myself because I need to stop being everyone’s door mat just in pursuit of wanting and seeking peace.  It only enables others to walk all over me until I’m a pulp of pain when it all catches up to me.  And also because I apologize, overlook, avoid, or play peacekeeper things don’t have a chance to come to a head and then to a resulting resolution so I’m lying to myself about peace, hiding from chaos, and nothing gets resolved.  And then when I can’t stuff anything else down, I’m on emotional overload and can’t even begin to approach the original problem anymore.

    Have you had this problem?  If so, what did you do to resolve it?  

    For the time being, I had a good cry during my lunch hour when it all dawned on me and I realized I am Jack and this beanstalk of a problem exists and I must overcome this.  I am also going to start by reading this book.

    Ya know, because if I’m consistent about one thing, it is relying on books to inform.  If that book doesn’t help at all, I’m going straight back to therapy!!  I can no longer justify suffering when help exists.  I cannot “wishful think” this one away, it must be a goal and I need to find a clear and concise “task list” to overcome this.  Ya know, all those management courses and I’m still learning how to manage my own life.  *sigh*  I’m also still unclear and unsure if I’ve accurately pinpointed the true and real issues, I’m still finding my way and I’m really rather in shock to discover my avoidance issues.  I’ve added this as a blog category and I apologize in advance if I start to blog about this one way too much. I might become over the top….just pretend I’m a Mommy blogger having a diaper or breastfeeding outburst and ignore me if you must. No wait, that’s not very assertive on my part.  Let me rephrase that. I ‘m going through something, I’m working on it, respect me or bite the big one. 

    ahhh…blog assertiveness…..that’s just not enough!

    Category assertiveness, career, shit happens!, world | Tags: | 2 Comments

  2. rejection….

    May 28, 2009 by shishnit

    A few weekends ago I went to Target to waste time..check things out….and of course drop my normal $60 on something I didn’t need before I went in there.  Upon arriving I decided to get a soda and a pretzel for a quick snack, since their snack bar is uber cheap.

    *As an aside to this normally scheduled blog post.  Does anyone else remember the snack bar that used to be at Hills, K-mart or some such store. (Hill’s stores are in the North..) where they had the tall chrome snack bar stools and food was served via a lunch tray?  I remember fondly going into some such store as a child and loving that snack bar.

    After ordering my pretzel and drink I walked over to the self serve soda fountain and was filling up my cup.  Some woman that was sitting down commented to me about my hairstyle.  She said she loved it and that it was cut perfectly and the color was spot on.  I get this comment a lot. I cannot take credit for this commentary because it all goes to my hairdresser Becca.  I love Becca in a non physical way.  I have tried several times to take a photo of my hairstyle and it’s damn near impossible to do myself.  Perhaps one day I’ll ask Rick to take a picture of my hair.  Suffice it say it is not at all the reverse mullet that Kate Gosselin sports.

    So…this woman compliments the hair, she has lovely hair too, we speak for awhile while I stand up 2 feet away from her at the soda machine and then I ended up sitting next to this woman who complimented my hair.  I then somehow ended up sitting there for 2+ hours chatting and bullshitting with this woman as though I knew her all my life.  She too had the “struggle with weight issues” and we specifically spoke about this to some length.  However, she had a high self esteem like me, and we chatted cheerfully about how other people perceive us, etc.  2+ hours I talked to this woman and for the life of me now I cannot recall her name, Laverne, Lorraine…it was a pretty L name of some type.  Towards the end of our delightfully unexpected connection she asked for my email address. I gave this woman my email address and my cellphone number.

    It has been weeks and she has not called.

    I want to know how she is.  Whatever happened with that man she was interested in.  If he accepted her date proposal. I want to know how she is.  Where she is??  You know you reach a certain age…your kids are grown and have their own friends and then outside of coworkers and long existing friendships..it’s darn near impossible to meet new friends unless you join some friend finder organization (ha! Do those exist?)  I rather liked this woman, we got along and laughed a lot.  So I want to know…..what’s going on in her world now. 

    And more importantly I really want to know…

    Why didn’t she call me?  Why didn’t she email…I mean emailing is non-threatening. What’s wrong with me?  

    Category friends, life, shit happens! | Tags: | 2 Comments

  3. Karma….she’s a bitch.

    May 19, 2009 by shishnit

    I’m a big believer in Karma. Remember Mr. Spamfuck, my former landlord who wanted to sell me his son’s house and therefore raised our rent the minute we balked at the high price of his son’s house?

    Well…that house we leased for 1 year and fell in love with and were told we could buy for a mere $315,000 is now on the market for a still overpriced $169,900. Zillow says it’s worth a bit less perhaps. I have to laugh now. The landlord’s sons yellow house I rather liked….still hasn’t sold either.

    Don’t remember what I’m referring to…..check old blog entry here

    And here is Mr. Spamchuck’s house currently on the market for a whopping $145,500 less a year later. And irony of all irony’s….Skip is trying to sell it for him.

    I love my house…I’m grateful that it all worked out for us. I truly am.  I held out for something that fit our financial plan and felt right when I walked in.  Felt right as in on all levels.  Right space, etc. I walked into my current house and knew it was right for us.  I am merely pointing out that Karma exists because these people treated us rather poorly. In the past few years each and every time someone treats me bad I just sit back and say little to nothing because Karma has a way of working things out.

    Rick also bought this from Craig’s list for me for my birthday (at my request) and got a great deal. It was a birthday gift from Rick. Our TV doesn’t fit but we’re in the market for a smaller flat screen anyway. I had this mammoth TV when Keith was 4 years old. I just can’t bring myself to ditch something that’s been working all those years without a glitch. I also won it in the Big Divorce of ’03 and the ex got the little crap TV that promptly broke while moving.  (ha..Karma again!)  This is in the library.

    Armoire - Craigslist

    This room used to have this little TV stand that Rick brought home for free…it worked for the purpose but had little to no storage and I was in desparate need of some more storage for so many things without a home.  Like that printer we never really use, etc.  I hate the way the big TV covers up that window…but that window faces the back patio…..and its never open anyway.  Not blocking a great view…so to speak.  The books are all hanging on the wall still…not stacked on top like it appears.

     

    Far wall in library

    Category finances, house, shit happens! | Tags: | No Comments

  4. too much pain in this world

    April 29, 2009 by shishnit

    Everytime I consider why I blog and consider quitting something happens to me that prompts me to remember why I started and how much it impacts me without my realizing it. I recently got an email from someone who told me her husband got a vasectomy without her knowledge or their having truly discussed it.  It was a done deal when she found out.  If you’re a long time reader here you know that she was able to google this and find my blog.  Why?  Because my ex did this same thing oh so many years ago.

    This recent email reminded me….of things I had really moved away from.  Forgetting is ok…but being reminded almost always means that I take a long look around and exude a huge sigh of relief because my current landscape is so different than the one of the past.

    Last night my very best friend sent me an email that included:

    *** and I are broken up? on the verge of broken up? is he cheating on me?  with a  19 year old?  who the fuck knows. she’s our neighbor, is also a cop – they were in the Academy together, and she was posted here with him, so he rented out his house next door to hers. its been a nightmare that’s been building, that blew up over a month ago and hasn’t really settled since. they have sister shifts, so they have the same days off together. the days that he’s working, we get along fine enough, and there are even hints of reconciliation. mild hints mind you.  on the days they have off together, like today and yesterday, he’s cold and never home. I know for a fact that he doesn’t see, or rarely sees, any of his other friends anymore – he’s either spending time with her or out somewhere on his own.   of course he’s been denying it, though he doesn’t actually say “No I’m not having an affair”. but she’s 19. he’s 35. WTF?  pretty sick “friendship” if you ask me…

    While still reeling from that email and trying to figure out just how do you help someone that is 2,182 km away except to offer emotional support.  But you know..I want to do so much more.  I really wanted to sit down and cry.  This morning I mentioned it to my best friend in Florida and she wrote me back and her email included:

    *Husband* and I had a big blow up last night.  My *middle teenage son* was in the living room messing around with the girls and *Husband* told the girls to go over to their little table (also in the living room) and finish their dinners.  Shortly after that, *middle teenage son* calls for the girls to come over and give him a hug.  I was reading the paper, the TV was on, so I didn’t really pay attention.  *Husband* was watching and came completely unglued.  He got up, smacked *middle teenage son* hard in the arm and proceeded to cuss him out.  He made a physical threat to *middle teenage son* and used the F word up and down as he was screaming.  We were all upset, including the girls, of course.  He felt like *middle teenage son* was undermining his parenting and making him look bad because Daddy wants them to eat but *middle teenage son* says its okay to get up from the table. 

    Oh boy oh boy oh boy.  Her *husband* is generally a great guy.  They seem to be experiencing a lot of stress with stepparenting and meshing their family together.  This is rather common these days.

    So one of my close friends has her long time live in boyfriend cheating on her with his co-worker/neighbor. We all know I can relate.  My other friend is experiencing anger issues, something else I can relate with.  Then a random emailer, someone I don’t know…is out there experiencing the pain of the loss of any future children with her husband.

    Geesh…life does not feel fair or good with all of this.  I want to somehow help everyone feel better, be happier, overcome all this pain.  So difficult.

    And yet…then there’s that part of me that wonders if you get so much pain in life and have I personally received all that I might have coming….am I too happy right now?  Oh man…it all just makes me want to cower behind my awesome husband where it now feels safe and warm.

    Rick….he’s so fantastic….it scares me.  Will I ever stop fearing the other shoe dropping?  Am I too lucky these days?

    p.s. how jacked is it that my best friend in life knows now what it feels like to have her man boinking the neighbor too?  come on…what the hell???

    Category shit happens!, world | Tags: | No Comments

  5. I am your MOTHER

    April 24, 2009 by shishnit

    There’s only been one consistent thing that I have missed throughout all the years since my ex-husband and I split and that is the one aspect that no one else can possibly truly and 100% replace.  My ex and I always parented together.  In the years since the divorce it’s been difficult at best to feel a part of the parenting partnership when Keith was with him rather than with me.  I have long told him how I felt, what I thought, what I saw and what should happen. I have long felt unheard.  This week I have felt heard.  I don’t know if it’s my imagination or my lust to be heard by him as a mother and perhaps I’m still in an emotional haze, but we were together handling things for Keith.  And this volcano of “missing” that feeling of two birth parents wishing and wanting and leveraging for the best for their son came bubbling to the surface.

    Today I enrolled Keith in a program for school.  A program I will not discuss at length here because I love my son so fucking much it is a bottomless ache, an endless desire, an all consuming ocean of never-ending waves of emotion.  While enrolling him, I filled out about a half dozen pieces of paperwork.  I listed myself as the FIRST contact; the FIRST name was mine under my child’s name.  For a few moments I felt triumphant as I’ve thought about all the paperwork I didn’t have the privilege to fill out as his father was deemed (through no court of law) the residential or custodial parent despite our forward thinking much thought out “joint” custody arrangement.  Simply put my son had to go to one school and short of living on top of each other, he could never do that without living in one set spot.  I always thought he needed a male figure in his life and his father was the only one we’ve both got to be his father…his real father.

    Sometimes my personal hatred and pain over that divorce and loss has probably clouded me and my judgment.  I am far from perfect.  Mostly it has been torturous to relinquish so much of my maternal instincts throughout this process over the years.  I have spent days on end, weeks on end…sometimes even months on end without seeing my son, never owning up to it, never being able to face it or talk about it.  At times I began to feel that he was my son, a beautiful picture in a frame, the son who had his friends and his life precisely 10 miles away.  As though he forgot me.  But…I never forgot him.  I never wanted to force him to come to me; I never wanted to dictate his comings and goings just because of a silly thing called divorce. I wanted to bear the brunt of all of the pain that rolled out of that divorce all by myself regardless of whether it was right or wrong.

    Today I got up early, I drove to my ex-husbands house and I enrolled my son all by myself, and his father NEEDED me to do it.  His words were “you gotta pony up and do this” but if truth be told I wanted to. I’ve always wanted to. I’ve always wanted to do it all.  I have just been so fucking scared.  So terrified of fucking it all up.  And in that being scared, perhaps I have.  I will not spend months beating myself up.

    I will just remind myself daily that I want my name first under my son’s name on those forms, all forms. I am his mother and I want to do those things.  Yes to many mothers the day to day minutia is not fun, it’s not rewarding it can be downright dreadful to be the one that runs for the t-shirt, takes the kid to the spring concert, provides the lunch money (only for said child to lose it etc).

    I’ve been robbed of those day to day events, those things that are barely visible to the naked eye after years of parenthood.  And I never had the courage to acknowledge just how much it hurt and how much I missed it and how much it sometimes still pisses me off a lot.

    In that moment when I wrote my name as the first contact…..something inside me healed over.  There where this sense of loss was a sense of self knowledge and pride came.  I AM HIS MOTHER.  No matter what I am YOUR MOTHER.  You said “yes mother” to me ten thousand times today in that irritated angst riddled teenager way and you really had no idea did you..just how much I love you even when you mess up, even when you’re lost, and mostly because you don’t have to be perfect for my heart to spill open at the mere mention of your name. 

    That’s the thing…when you are someone’s mother no one can rob you of your baby boy.  No one said being a Mother was easy….but no matter the challenges….you are always going to be worth it. 

    Category divorce, keith, kidlet, life, shit happens! | Tags: | No Comments

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