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Sometimes I go months and months without that feeling and they are glorious and amazing months that I enjoy and feel blissful in.  And then one day something happens and it’s like the past is haunting me, creeping into my soul and laughing at me and telling me, “You will never forget you know!”

Let’s back up here. 

Yesterday I bought Ryan Adam’s new CD.  I don’t many actual CD’s anymore because I buy my songs by the singles on Itunes like so many other’s.  However, there are a few artists that I prefer to purchase the actual CD for.  Those few being

Paul Westerberg (as if any long time reader had to ask!)

Ray LaMontagne

Jack Johnson

Ben Harper

They are probably my favorites and I’m old school when it comes to opening a new CD and reading the liner notes while listening to the new tunes.  There’s something aesthetically pleasing about holding an actual CD in my hands, opening the plastic etc.

Like most times when I buy a new actual CD, I tend to go back and pull out all the former stuff and go on a music induced haze play fest of listening to an artists entire catalog like a fool.  

After yesterday’s purchase I decided to go the same course and listen to all my Ryan Adam’s catalog. And then I remembered owning a copy of Whiskeytown’s CD, Pneumonia.  Oh hell yes I know I had it at one point.  I look and look and cannot find it now.  Damn it, don’t you hate that?

I’m sure most people do.  However for me it brings on a type of anxiety attack that is hard to explain.  You see, for years I bought CD’s, I’m a music freak.  (I once worked at a record store, yes they sold those at one time…and it was cool!!)  And for years my ex-husband would steal my CD’s and sell them to used CD shops. (yes those are largely gone now too….but they existed and paid about $3 to $4 for a CD.  He would attack my stacks like a silent sniper and sell them.  Then I would casually go looking for something and viola it would be gone.  Those were the days before online cataloging.  Upon looking for something I clearly knew I owned and purchased with my money and not finding it, I would ask him and he would behave in one of two manners

1. “I never saw it, you probably just think you had it”
2. “Let me help you look for it.” 

It would never fail, upon going to the closest used shop I would find MY copy of that CD.  How did I know it was mine?  Because I would mark the corners of my CD boxes in only a way I could see and recognize.  Sometimes I would buy back my CD’s, sometimes I would merely leave the store crying.

Today I couldn’t find Whiskeytown and it made me exceptionally sad.  I can’t say it was victim to his ways way back when, but I can tell you that I found about 11 CD boxes empty upon moving out back in 2002 and I can’t seem to throw those empty boxes away…they haunt me but remind me somehow….that I’m better now.

I will replace my CD and amazingly enough it won’t walk away.  Because Rick doesn’t steal from me.  The thing that has stuck is not the missing CD’s, or the memories…but the damage a person can do to your soul.  The stuff that doesn’t get wiped away with time.  The wrongs that never turn our alright. 

I looked up that CD on Itunes and played through the short excerpts and remembered something else.  I used to play this tune over and over again in my car driving home from work.  I was always so happy to get out of work…never so happy to return home.  That’s a sad fucking feeling, when it’s Friday afternoon and you don’t want to go home because you really don’t have one anymore.

All of these feelings and thoughts went through my mind upon simply not being able to find a CD that I know for fact I owned and played the heck out of.  I also can’t find Jack Johnson’s Brushfire Fairytales.  That’s two CD’s…..that I looked for today.  GO figure.

Oh…I’ll replace them…and gloriously Rick won’t sell my stuff…it’s a wonderful life…this one I have now.  A marriage that contains respect.  What a novel idea.   And before I go…..thanks Rick for not selling my stuff.  Crazy the things I am thankful for.

Dear Former Neighbor,

Sometimes I wonder if you know who you married.  I know that when I married him, I was both young and clueless.  I thought that the world was made up of good people. I thought they were mass produced in a play doh fun factory of sorts.  12 years and ten thousand heartache’s later, I realized that he was a sick man.  Not sick like “oh that’s gross” type of sick, but rather that he was a sociopath.  I often wonder if you even know that.  I have sometimes wanted to forewarn you, but you were too busy trying to steal him from me that it seemed pointless to tell you that the prize you thought you were getting was akin to that piece of crap toy that cracker jacks doles out.  It doesn’t last long and it never lives up to it’s potential.  It’s a promise without a warranty really. And that is all he is. Surprise!!  

Every single day I hear about another person who has a decent job (ie: income levels higher than mine) who goes into foreclosure.  The good ole “Gimme everything now, I’ll worry about that A.R.M. later” issue we have going on in America right now.  However, in terms of the economy, I have begun to wonder how I can save more money.  Not save because OMG I can’t pay my bills, because OMG I can and OMG not for one moment am I not aware of how tenuous that situation can be for everyone.  Because OMG I am.

So, a few weeks ago I borrowed a book from the library.

I KNOW!!!  I was shocked too.

Now, here’s the problem with me and libraries. I tend to forget when a book is due.  I also tend to want to read obscure titles that are not available in the library.  I also tend to get aggravated if I decide to read something from the bestseller list that is not available because OMG everyone and their brother reads Wally Lamb.  And OMG they don’t even know who half the people I want to read are!!  I also like to read 2 or 3 books at the same time, meaning I’m working on 2 or 3 at any given time.  I switch around depending on my mood.  Sometimes you just don’t want to read something heavy and other times you do.

Today I realized I had a book that was due back TODAY.  I have about 30 pages left to read in it and I was not going to make it to the library during their odd operating hours (ie: tax cuts to the city mean reduced operating hours).  So, I logged into their website to renew the book to avoid a late fee.  YES, late fees are a drag.  The library is only free if you have no life and can always make it back to the place to return your books.  Those of us that have jobs and are in college find it hard to make it to the library that is only open when we are at work!  The library that doesn’t open until 11 a.m., etc.  Ok, so maybe I’m the only one with this issue, but the library is not practical for my life.  I can’t get what I want to read, and I find their services to be more of an aggravation than a godsend.

So, the library is not working for me.  That was my point.  It’s fiscally responsible yes, but it sucks…big yes! 

I have cut back on my book spending but not because I want to save or can’t afford to buy, but because I need only to walk into my own library and see dozen’s of books I have yet to read and that guilt alone is enough to keep me from driving the 4 miles to buy more books.  I still buy them however and most of what I want to read is obscure.  Heck I couldn’t even get Craig Ferguson’s book at my library because guess what?  THEY DON’T HAVE IT!!!  Now, how is this convenient?  One other thing that is aggravating is that the library system did tell me that a copy is available in Ocala, FL.  Great.  NOT. 

Now, I think that I am a rather patient person in most aspects of my life.  I mean I waited forever for a man who would love me unconditionally, keep up his end of the marital bargain and not take his pants off in the neighbor’s house. I mean that surely counts for something when it comes to my personal patience level about things.  I also drive a sensible Honda and do not blow money on perfume, shampoo, gels and potions, etc.  I also largely refrain from expensive restaurants, costly vacations, as well as designer clothes.  I buy food in reasonable quantities and use coupons when I can without stress and more issue than that 50 cent coupon is worth.

I even gave up starbucks and go to McDoanlds for the golden arches coffee now. (I love McDonalds hot coffee like a fat kid loves cake!)  I am not ordering anything online without FREE shipping codes or 50% off sales. I don’t even want a Christmas present if truth be told.  Really it doesn’t matter to me. 

The only thing I can really think of that is frivolous to some degree is the amount I pay for a haircut, but judging by the fact that some woman randomly walked up to Rick and I just to tell me that my hair was exactly what she wished her hair was, it’s worth it.  I work in the corporate world and I have to look nice.  I buy things on sale but I finally got it through my head that super cuts is super crap.

Now having said all of that, and realizing that there is never going to be a bailout for me…..I have one thing to say.

I buy books because I love to read.  I love to read because it’s an escape, it’s a learning experience, its pure joy.  If I’m addicted to a drug it is called Literature.  And that drug must be delivered in a timely manner, straight to the vein via Joe Retail, my drug dealer, have you met him?

Since I’m a big-time addict…..the library sucks.  We each choose to spend money as we desire and for most that are in foreclosure right now, it is because they chose to overlook the devil they were selling their souls to in the form of an Adjustable Rate Mortgage.  I was patient, cleaned up my credit and waited for years to buy a house.  My ex was impatient and sold his soul.  Is it my fault he’s got issues with his house now?  Nah…it’s his.

Now should the state of our economy stop my drug habit?  Nah.  Sure I might try to make my needles last longer and I might buy only when Joe Retail is offering me a good deal. (Have you seen the recent deals that Joe Border’s has on their website?  50% off of 1 book.  Sweeet!)  I also recently got a Amazon $25 gift certificate from my credit card company.  But….things are going to have to get tremendously bad before I stop this habit of mine.  It doesn’t make me fat, it doesn’t harm my health and it keeps me off of the real Prozac.  And since I prefer to live my life without drugs altering my emotions, I will still be purchasing books.  I might buy things from Target (because some titles are much cheaper that way) and sure I might buy 2 books instead of 3 and I might try to read what I already have that I haven’t read, but libraries be damned, they are not the solution for me.  I keep reading more and more articles about how the book publishing industry is hurting, so far be it for me not to support them in their time of need.

And fortunately for my ex-husband who’s in dire financial straights, the library has ton’s of copies of the Bible available.  However, I’m sure he’s not above stealing one from some seedy hotel if he had to.

p.s. I have totally given up on buying hardcover novels.  A few reasons.  They are more expensive, there are enough new books in paperback to keep me busy and….they take up too much room.  Reason 3 is the real problem.

This morning I got up and went to work. I dreaded going to work because I didn’t want to get up out of the warm bed and leave Rick behind. However, I managed. About a half hour before I was to leave work Rick called and asked me about my plans for the day. I cannot tell you how immensely happy this made me. He asked me what I might like to do with the day since we both were off, had some downtime to work with etc.

I asked if we could go to Ikea. Now this is going to sound insane to some people, but this was my first trip to Ikea. The closest Ikea to us is in Orlando, over an hour away. He agreed and I was thrilled. We went out for lunch first, and then drove out to Orlando. The sky was pretty, sunny and blue.

Ikea is a crapfest of disorganization however. I did buy a few cute things.

A rug for the library

A rug for the kitchen

A giant welcome mat for in front of the front door outside

Also bought a few prints and a handful of cotton kitchen towels too. Ikea is fun, cheap…etc. However, that store gave me momentary stress. I was lost and I was overwhelmed. I have great ideas for decorating my house but when faced with too many choices I go berserk. Not to mention seeing something you like but having to walk half a mile to find it then. Rick and I enjoyed our trek there and spent a few hours browsing around. However….Ikea….you are badly managed. There’s surely a better way.

After Ikea we stopped in at Krispy Kreme, (something we don’t have very close to our city) and had donuts and hot coffee and watched the donuts get all jammed up on the roller bars while the employees jacked around doing nothing.

Today was good. We did nothing exciting and yet the sunshine…a beautiful day….my husband. So good. So sweet. I LOVE days like today. It’s late….I’m going to go crawl into bed with the man and get nice and warm.

I read this on a famous writer’s website today.

What do you consider your greatest literary accomplishment?
I have quite literally worn the letters off two consecutive computer keyboards.
So what I say.  So have I. In fact I wear the keys off of every keyboard I ever own.  Typing fast is not a literary accomplishment.  This especially urks me because this author is what I would term accomplished….in that Danelle Steele kind of way.

On and if you want to hear the funniest Christmas song ever, download

Dominik the Donkey – Lou Monte

It will make you laugh.

3 posts in one day.  Somebody put me back in a class. Ok ok so I start the same class I dropped again next Tuesday.  Whew.