One of my co-workers is struggling. And her struggle is so familiar to me. It takes me back to 2001. She’s a trainwreck and I ache for her. It brings back everything….*smack* in my face, about my own past. On one hand I know without a doubt she’ll be just fine…but on another I just ache because I know that right now she’s absolutely not.
I wish I could give her God, Bernie, Joe and Bob…the 4 things that got me through.
posting here because I don’t want to lose this…these few paragraphs sometimes keep me sane. Rick and I are still together….I still remember you Joe.
Maximum Capacity
It is the natural order of things that a container can contain only so much. When it’s full, you can fit no more. A one-gallon jug holds one gallon, and no matter what you do you can’t fit two gallons into a one-gallon jug.
Ever been in a busy elevator? When the elevator stops there’s always some idiot trying to rush into the elevator without letting people out of the elevator first.
Everything has a maximum capacity. Hearts and minds are the same way.
It’s a scientific fact that if I read you a list of 20 nouns, you will only be able to remember 7 of them at once. If you remember an 8th that means you’ll have forgotten one of the others.
When you’re in love with someone, that person becomes like the sun. When you look at the sun, its brilliance blinds you to everything else. It’s only when you stop looking at the sun that everything else comes back into focus.
For whatever reason, for better or worse, it doesn’t look like he is going to pan out. Strange though it may seem, that’s a good thing. As your love and your sorrow fade away, it’s like emptying. As bad as that feeling is, that’s a good thing too. It’s only once you’ve emptied that you can start to fill again.
Just like the sun, once you turn your head, everything else comes back into focus. You’ll again see things you’d forgotten, and maybe see a few new things you never noticed.
If this love isn’t going to work out, then it’s good that things are ending. If he is not the one, then they deserve no space in your heart or mind. Clearing it away makes space for someone who does deserve it.
Because of Dooce’s cancellation of her trip to Florida….I want you to know I live in St Petersburg, FL and the beaches all along my coast are clean and clear and lovely. IE: If you simply move your trip a bit south…you’re good to go. Do some research people. It’s not like Florida is entirely affected. Clearwater Beach is quite lovely….so is St Pete Beach….on and there’s Indian Rocks Beach..there’s Bellair Beach….ohhhh the beaches are endless. Destin is not the end all be all.
Come visit me…I’ll show you some beautiful beaches. I promise.
I’m a big believer in forgiveness. I am trying to remind myself of that now. I was once forgiven when quite honestly I don’t think I deserved the forgiveness. I think in a marriage, sometimes your success is only as good as your willingness to forgive.
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. — Robert Quillen
I am sometimes angry, sometimes hurt, mostly vacillating between ok and forgetting and remembering and being in fear.
I believe, however that we will be just fine. A bit more rugged for the wear, a bit stronger, a bit better, a bit more aware. I am madly in love with him…and I know he loves me.
I haven’t been an honest open blogger like I was in the past. With everything that’s been going on with my relationships with everyone in my life right now, I just haven’t had the heart to jump back on the crazy train that my life seems to have turned into over the last few months. I’ve been spending a lot of time just staring off into space, swimming in the river denial and wondering how things have gotten to this place.
Rick and I are falling apart, have fallen apart…might fall apart…are experiencing major trauma…are a mess….are apart…? I don’t even know. I can’t even pinpoint where things took a big left turn. I only know that I’m not the one that grabbed that stearing wheel and headed off in the direction of the cliff side. I know he did. I just don’t know why or what happened.
I have cried, been in shock…fought for my own sanity and just sat bawling and praying to some entity that has no name but that of “hope” for quite a few weeks now. I’ve felt like his mother, his confidant, sometimes his partner in crime…a crime I never wanted to comit. Its so raw right now, I can’t put it into words. I have cheered other’s on as they rejoice for their new spring day…their rebirth and I am standing in a room full of shards of glass and it vaguely reminds me of some other chapter of my life…only worse because this time it matters on such a different level.
Maybe someday I’ll talk about it, blog about it. Maybe not. Hopefully I won’t have to. I don’t want to. Right now I somehow had to because it all just hurts and hurts and when I think I can be hurt no more, I am hurt tenfold again.
Do you think Thelma and Louise somehow landed on a safety net after their car went over?
